Frank Off The Radio: The Frank Skinner Podcast

00:01 We're going to sashay onto Email Corner. 00:09 Oh! Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. 00:14 Oh, Lord. 00:15 Email Corner. 00:17 I like that. It's like it's had a remix. 00:21 Bit worried about that. Email Corner. It's when I used to go to nightclubs and a record jumped and the DJ would occasionally go, it's had a remix. 00:34 I always liked it's had a remix. 00:37 I like the one who asked questions of the lyrics. Oh, yeah. I was like, what day is it? Friday night and the lights are low. Where are we off to? 00:46 Oh, what are these nut clubs you went to? 00:50 That's what they were like in the 70s, I'm afraid. Yeah, the ones Frank goes to now are different. 00:55 This is part of the community. 00:59 Yeah. 01:00 Emails. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I don't know about you, but I love a good world record. This week, the record was broken for smashing walnuts by headbutting them. Oh, wow. 155 in one minute. 01:13 Wow! That is a lot. 01:15 That's a lot, isn't it? One minute. 01:16 That's brilliant. I don't even think I could do 55 in one minute. Do they do one at a time, or do they? 01:20 I could do about 13. 01:22 You think you could do 13 in one minute? 01:23 Yeah, yeah. 01:24 I don't think I could do one if I tried for a night. 01:27 Not with a headbutt. 01:29 No. 01:30 I can't. You see, what I'd like to be able to do is to break a walnut without breaking the knot. Oh, yeah. have you ever done that oh yeah when it oh when it comes out completely clean i love that it has happened it's never happened to me what you get the top come off and the walnut walnut looks like it's in it's in the bath you know it looks like it's in a bath with a bit of a film bit of a nasty brown film on the top oh yeah when it's about the butterfly shape i love the butterfly shape yeah and uh but i find it impossible to get it without the uh 02:01 It's quite messy. There's collateral damage, there's no doubt, with the walnut. 02:04 It's difficult, but imagine if you're head-botting it. I mean, the scope for delicacy. 02:09 Apparently, after he did that, the guy went out for a night out and he went to watch The Nutcracker. 02:16 He didn't, he had a headache. 02:18 This got me thinking about aspirations. 02:22 I know a lot of people would like to hold a world record or win a medal, but my life's ambition is to be a bit part actress on a crime programme as a corpse or to be the lady a magician saws in half. Do you have anything you would love to do? I'll tell you what, I'd like to speak to a psychiatrist about those ambitions. Do you think? I don't think it's that difficult. She just likes to lie down, this woman. She wants to play a corpse or be a sword in half. 02:45 A sword in half or be a corpse. That's a terrible, dark yearning. 02:49 One of my parents' friends was on a crime programme. Because that's what happens when you get older and you're an actor. 02:54 I thought all of your parents were on crime programmes, weren't they? 02:56 No, he played security guard in Crimewatch. Nice. And there was a theft of a painting. And he went... Oi, what are you doing? But he sounded a little bit too Rada to be a security guard. 03:07 My granddad hangs somebody in a pub in Newcastle. 03:12 That's a terrible story. 03:13 Yeah, he did. He threatened to hang this bloke and the bloke suggested he was bluffing. 03:17 Are you sure you want to reveal this on national radio? 03:20 So he got a rope over a beam and- That's a terrible story. The bloke didn't die. 03:27 Oh, how reassuring for his family. 03:29 In the end, my grandfather was restrained. 03:32 But yeah, but he- It seems to be something of a theme in your family. 03:35 What, hanging? 03:36 Oh, in the end they were restrained. 03:39 On a good night. 03:41 That's your crest. 03:43 I can't remember where that came from. 03:45 That came from our life's ambitions. Oh, yes. 03:48 Yes, I'd like to have someone in a Newcastle public house. What's our ambitions? 03:55 Is there anything that you'd love to do that you haven't done yet? You've met them all, Frank, really. 04:01 I probably know a magician or two that saw people in half. We could make this dream come true, couldn't we? Yeah. I'd like to... We really worked hard for it. I'll tell you what I'd like to be able to do. What? 04:11 I'd like to do one of those big whistles. What's that? You know when people put two fingers in their mouth? Oh, yeah. I mean, you know when... You know those... We'll see a cab and they go... Oh, yeah. I can't do it. Yeah, I can do that. 04:23 You can do it. 04:24 I'd like to be able to do it without the fingers, though. 04:26 He said he can do it, but he hasn't done it. 04:27 You'd better not do it straight into the microphone. It'll ruin the whole thing, won't it? Or there'll be dogs throwing themselves at people's French windows. 04:34 Oh, yeah. 04:34 Yeah, go on. 04:35 WHISTLE BLOWS 04:37 Oh, that was lovely. 04:38 It was a little bit reedy. 04:40 I felt a free snow in my stomach. 04:42 I felt it was more reed than brass. That's what I felt. But I liked it. Come back to that. I loved it. I'll see Emily try this in a minute. 04:55 We've just had a text. Hi all, I salute magpies too, but once saw 27 magpies on my school football pitch and didn't know what to do. What do 27 magpies mean? I think it only goes up to 10. What, there's a rule? Yeah, I think the song only goes up to 10. Oh, is it based on a song? 05:12 What, what, yeah. 05:13 I don't, I don't know, I don't know the song, I've not heard it. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for girl, four for boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told, eight to wish, nine's a kiss, ten is a bird you must not miss. That's the first time I've ever heard that in my life. Anyone wants to download that for a ringtone, it's there, nothing. 05:31 It's all yours. 05:32 It's all yours. It's the gift that keeps on giving. 05:35 Yes. Shall we go on to email two? Well, there was that doll, there was that doll I was bought that time. 05:39 LAUGHTER Carry on. 05:43 Dear Frank, the wonderful Emily and Lecoq, listening to Frank discussing the demise of daydreaming due to smartphones, I thought I'd share with you a daydream I've been having consistently for the last 14 years. 05:56 Wow. 05:57 I'm now 31. Oh, well, I'll see. And this serial daydream all started at 17 when I broke through at Portsmouth. 06:05 I'd already worked there, aren't I? I did the math. Yeah. 06:10 And became a key player in the first team. 06:13 At Portsmouth? Yes. It's a hell of a daydream. 06:16 Start small. 06:17 Yeah. 06:18 My pro footballer daydream may not sound unusual, but the level of intricate detail and longevity surprises even me. Having moved from Portsmouth to Arsenal in 2001 and had several good seasons at the Gunners, I roomed with Sylvan Wiltorff. Oh. Aim high. Yeah. 06:34 I like that you didn't go for Thierry or me. 06:36 No, I'm still very well-toured, you know. We have discussions about being on the brink. 06:42 On many away trips, intense chap, I now find myself in the final 18 months of my contract with Barcelona. 06:49 That's a coincidence, because in my daydream, I think I've mentioned before, I had quite a long spell at Barca. I was written off by West Bromwich Albion when I was about 35, and Barca came in and I went over there. I spoke fluent Catalan. Nice. 07:05 We've got the crowd on my side. 07:07 And, um... No, this is absolutely true in my... Well, not true, but it's in my daydreams. 07:12 I played for Barca, and I'm now... 07:15 Even I had to... I played at the top level till I was 53. LAUGHTER And, um... And I came back as... I remember I was on the tube. I was on the tube the day I came back as manager and was shouting to the crowd. I nearly missed my stop. It was very emotional. LAUGHTER But I'm not making it up now. Absolutely. Detailed. And now, when I get to the toilet now, I'm usually doing pre- and post-match interviews as the manager of Barcelona. 07:46 Oh, yeah. 07:47 Oh, that must be good. 07:48 They're all right. They're fine with it. 07:52 What, your family having to listen to you? 07:54 No, the 78 journalists are having the lavatory with me. 07:59 You know, what you don't want is, like, 50 microphones in your face when you're on the toilet. Oh, yeah. 08:05 But I suppose if they're going to be anywhere, they'd best be in your face. 08:09 Anyway, I often idle away an hour or two deciding on what to do when my deal expires. I'm thinking the Middle East or the US for one final payday. 08:18 Well, I tell you what, I went to Japan after the World Cup and disappeared for about three months. There was like a big media hunt to find me. This is in the daydreams. What happened is the manager... The England manager was involved in a scandal and last minute I had to player-manage England through the tournament. I got four goals in the final. Four, just the four. 08:43 Unzipping the top like Glenn Hoddle. You know when they come on and it's all dramatic, the player-manager. 08:48 Yeah. But what finished me off was the Champions League game at Barca and I missed the penalty in a penalty shoot at the post. 08:56 There's a fantastic photo of me just standing, looking at the ball where it's rebounded. 09:00 The amount of effort that's gone into it. You could have written three lines five times over. 09:04 I know. It is incredible. But I love daydreaming. Look, let me put it this way. If we were sitting in there with Gary Lineker and he was recounting his career with Barcelona or whatever... Would it be... What's the difference within his memories and mine? Well, he's happened. Yeah. 09:21 He's not a liar. 09:23 No, but now... Yeah. Now, they're the same thing. Now they're just words. 09:29 They're just word pictures. 09:30 It's a philosophy question. 09:32 Yeah. I don't see... And I don't see that my career with Barcelona is inferior in any way to Gary Leverkus. 09:38 We'll ask you both to play football and then we'll be the judge of that. No, no. 09:41 When he was playing, fair enough. But now, it's all just... 09:47 Anyway. 09:54 Did you finish the last email? No. Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry. 09:57 In conclusion. I'm so sorry. Okay. 09:59 He says, this is, we should say... 10:01 He's gone to all that trouble of a detailed daydream about his career at Barca. 10:06 This is from Ben from Surrey, we should say, and he's 31. So he continues, San Jose earthquakes have made inquiries. I say San Jose, you might say Jose. I don't know. 10:18 Well, that's one of the great mysteries is why Jose Mourinho is Jose and not Jose. 10:24 He's changed my whole perception. 10:27 My axis has shifted. 10:28 We've spent years learning to do these foreign footballers and football people's names. 10:35 I like Nigel Farage. No, it's true though, isn't it? These foreign footballers. 10:40 No, but do you know what I mean? In the early days, when I remember Jimmy Hill talking about Eric Cantona... 10:47 And, you know, it would have been Terry Henry, wouldn't it, in the old days? Yeah. And then we've all made an effort. We do all this. And then, having learned the for the Jose's, then Jose Mourinho comes and it's Jose again. We're going back to square one. Yeah. 11:06 Which, if you've done that deliberately, you know, back to square one, you know that phrase comes from football on the radio. Does he? Yeah. I didn't know that. Oh, there used to be a grid in the paper. 11:16 I sometimes think there's a little comedian in me who's working separately. Oh, yeah. 11:22 It's like Rob Brydon's Man in the Box. 11:24 Because sometimes I dream things that really make me laugh, things like one-liners. Where are they coming from? 11:30 I love the idea of a little man, like a numbskulls in a bow tie and a waistcoat, a little comic in your brain. 11:35 Yeah. Someone's texted, he's Portuguese, not Spanish. Yeah, we know that. Nobody's said he's Spanish. 11:39 He speaks English in the dreams. 11:44 now maybe um maybe that point i'm giving this person the benefit of the doubt is that um maybe this the portuguese don't uh maybe they right well i don't want to talk about that 11:58 um anyway san jose earthquakes have made inquiries so i do have some options so i just wanted to assure frank that daydreaming is still thriving in my mind with one lasting for over a decade from what started as a youngster at portsmouth has gone off on tangents which have taken me to some wonderful tapas restaurants on the outskirts of barcelona yeah excellent we must have been teammates at some point 12:25 It must have been. That's nice. He's going to have to go back and redo some of his daydreams with you as a teammate. 12:31 I have to say, no disrespect, I don't recall him on any of the England trips. 12:37 No, but he does say, I've been doing my badges so I can embark on a coaching career in the future. 12:42 You see, I got under the wire. There's a bit of jiggity-pokery with the Spanish FA, and I didn't do any of my badges. Didn't do the badges. I just came in. 12:54 Yeah, I also wrote a four-volume autobiography. 12:59 Well, could I refer you again to Peter McEldowney's text, who says, I don't see how my career with Barcelona is inferior to Gary Lineker's. It's my favourite thing that anyone has ever said, ever. LAUGHTER 13:11 Well, thank you for that. But I honestly think it is a serious philosophical point. 13:22 I have a news story that I'd like to bring to your attention, ladies and gentlemen. Now, this sounds like somebody's died, the way you've done that. No, no. I have a news story. I think this is a story that may resonate with you, because if you'll forgive me for saying so, mano a mano, eye-to-eye contact, Frank, you have got a terrible sense of direction. 13:44 We go to the same cafe or similar cafes every week after the show and you need to be steered towards it even five years into the show. 13:52 It is true. 13:53 It's amazing. 13:54 That's a terrible thing. 13:56 I have a theory that you've used up a lot of your brain on other stuff and there's just not room to keep the route to a cafe. 14:02 I spoke to a psychologist once at a party. About this. Is it that bad? Oh, no. About my sense of direction. And she said people that don't crawl... 14:12 when they're babies um they some some go just from sitting to um walking and she said if you didn't if that the crawling stage is when you develop your sense of direction so if you miss the crawling i asked because i my parents are dead so i couldn't ask them so i asked my sister i said do you remember me crawling what did she say she said in the 80s The Perno years. Yeah, but she said... I love the Perno years. She couldn't remember me crawling as a baby. But that might be she just can't remember. 14:43 I mean, awful. This show I'm doing with Daisy, the history show, I have to be led around the theatre. Oh, dear. 14:49 LAUGHTER 14:51 We've had a lovely text in, I was just going to say, Al, about daydreaming. This is from Francis. 14:58 Dear Frank Devine, Miss Emma and the Cockrell, I don't know if this has been covered before, but read Daydreams. I often daydream about confronting people who've been unpleasant to me. However... I often somehow lose control of the daydream and I become genuinely upset by the things the confrontee says to me, even though the words must have come from my own head. I find it genuinely difficult not to hold these imagined insults against them in real life. I do hope some of the other readers experience this and can share my insanity, otherwise I've made a very great fool of myself. 15:26 I often wonder that, you know. I think if you have a dog and it dreams that you're hitting it with a stick, but it couldn't lie cut and rip your throat out. 15:33 Francis is listening to our show all the way from Austria, as I'm studying abroad in Vienna this year. 15:38 It means nothing to me. 15:49 Just before we crossed the hour and you had to do a little bit of housekeeping there, we were discussing your terrible sense of direction. I have a story that I think is germane. 16:01 An Australian man... Can I tell you a story first before we get into this? 16:05 Can I tell you a story that is germane? It's about Pennant, so hold your horse. 16:09 I'm taking my... Well, he was all right, Germaine Pennant, with a bad sense of direction. He was tagged for quite a while. LAUGHTER They're always going to find him. 16:21 Maybe that's my secret. I need to cause some minor offences. 16:24 You need to commit a crime. 16:25 I don't mean minor offences. I mean, you know, I should cause some things. 16:30 Now, I took my little boy swimming with my girlfriend in the car, and she was off away for the weekend, so I had to drop them both at Paddington Station after the lesson. 16:44 And so I was driving home to the station and it said 4.3 miles. So I thought, not too bad, sit on the sat-nav. I'm using the sat-nav. Yeah. I'm not bosking it. 16:55 Anyway, I had a bit of a... What did he used to say? A bit of trouble? 17:01 I had a bit of trouble. 17:02 And suddenly I noticed that the 4.3 miles to Paddington had turned to 25.2. LAUGHTER Oh, dear. 17:12 I was on the M1. You were. I was. Were you in a daydream? Were you doing some kind of press interview for Barca? What was wrong with you, Frank? 17:21 I made an error. Oh, dear. An error? It was very difficult. 17:25 That's a day of your life. You'll never get mad. It was like a vehicle. 17:27 We said the vehicle at fault. Kat said, where are we? And I said, oh, God, I'm on the M1. I said, I'm really, really... You know, when you... I said, that's totally my fault, as if it could have possibly been anyone else. No. I'm really, really, really... She said, I'm going to miss the train. I said, I'm really, really sorry, really sorry. And you know when you say that to someone and you wait for the little comeback? Oh, well, you know, it'd be... You know, worse things happen. 17:52 Nothing. Silence. Oh, dear. 17:53 Yeah, and then it's like, hmm. 17:56 It was the least gracious response to a sorry. But it was terrible. 18:02 Did she miss the train? 18:04 No, I managed to do a handbrake turn. You floored it. You just drove a 90 in the bus lines. I rolled it onto the... No, I didn't. What it didn't allow for, what about this sofa at the moment, didn't allow for the fact that I could get round on the services. Didn't give me that instruction. 18:22 I love this story. 18:23 Yeah, it's a great story. I like any route-based story. 18:29 But even in that club, that private club I was on about when I opened the door for the lady, I'm walking around in there where all the doors are at the side. I mean, I could open a door. It could be street level. It could be women in towels. I don't know what I'm going to find when I open the door. 18:44 No idea. 18:45 A huge swimming pool. 18:46 It's the start of that. What's that programme? 18:47 Frankly, this is life like Mr Ben. It is, Eddie. He just opens a door and there's a zookeeper suddenly. 18:55 Yes. No idea. Anyway, what about... I feel we've found a figure that you may identify with. Okay. Headline, man gets lost in his own back garden. I found that in the 30s. 19:05 An Australian man has been rescued by police after getting lost in his own garden while investigating what he thought was a wild dog, it's been reported. The man identified as self-confessed idiot Jason... Oh, Jason. ...was eventually located just 330 yards from his house. Jason said that he'd been watching TV and having a few beers. I think that might be an understatement. Oh, see, I don't have that excuse. That's unusual for an Australian... Agitated. Well, he goes Uber Australian. 19:35 I'm going to quote him. He's soon lost in the scrub, wearing only shorts, Uber Australian, with a phone fast running out of battery. Even though he's in his home, he could have been charging it up while sat there, couldn't he? I don't even know how it happened, Jason says. That's brilliant. 19:48 What? That's brilliant. 19:50 Why is he South African? I turned to come back, and all of a sudden I was in long grass. I just thought, where the bloomin' hell am I? I've tidied it up slightly. 19:57 Nelson Mandela, the late Nelson Mandela. LAUGHTER 19:59 I just thought, where am I? 20:02 There you go. 20:03 I'm a professional actor. 20:05 Three years at drama school. I thank you all. 20:08 The only person about to start in a huge series, and I think, Frank, I want to hear you're Australian. I think it's going to be a bit better. 20:15 What? That was good. 20:16 I'm sorry. 20:17 I only went Mandela on purpose. What about this one, then? The, uh, a dinga took my baby. What do you think? 20:26 I think that's even worse. 20:27 It's got a dark edge to it, I can't admit. 20:29 You drongo. 20:31 He did get called a drongo by a news station. 20:32 He got called a drongo by locals. 20:34 That's so Australian, isn't it? Even the news stations are calling him a drongo. I think he's a star. 20:40 I do. I think he's a drongo star. 20:41 Do you remember him in the Beatles? It's called Frank's Greenland's Radio Days. I don't mean days as a stupor. A mean days as in the sevens of the week's old. 20:52 This is a take, not a blooper. 21:00 We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and typing. 21:05 It feels like a backward step, I know, but people finding things quite frightening. 21:13 I've been a bit of a girl about town this week. Uh-oh. I had my night out. My gay godfather has a theatre production on in this country. Do you have one of eight? Yeah. No, just the one. Okay. He has a show on. Well, gay godfathers, they're the best ones. 21:29 Yes. 21:29 You know, no children. 21:31 Unless you really focus on the god bit, of course. 21:33 Well, they can have children, I should say, but I'm just saying ticket sales are good and the inheritance is looking strong. He is behind Blythe Spirit, which you may have heard has just opened this week. 21:46 It's Noel Coward that's behind Blythe Spirit. He's not Noel Coward, is he? 21:50 No, I wish. But that was Sheridan Morley's godfather. What a great godfather. 21:54 So you went to see it, did you? 21:56 I did. It was a hot ticket. It was a hot ticket for the sort of fedora-wearing fraternity. All glasses on a lanyard, Frank. You would have absolutely loved it. 22:06 Sounds great. 22:07 Oh, glasses on a lanyard, I know, I know. Barry Humphreys was there. 22:12 Was he? He always wears a fedora. 22:14 He had a fedora. I thought, I hope I'm not behind him. That'll be a nightmare. He's tall as well. Did he keep it on? Oh, he kept it on. Throughout? I kept hearing him laughing. Kept hearing this Australian laugh throughout. 22:24 Let's hear that, Al. Yeah. 22:29 No, no, Australian laugh. That was the Australian one. I don't know if you could hear it. 22:33 Christopher Biggins. 22:35 Pardon? OK. You're dragging it down a little bit. Still safari sagudi. Very good. Thanks. 22:41 Anita Dobson? 22:44 No, you know, respect. Okay. 22:46 That's that one really good episode. We're just down in the window cleaner. That was excellent. 22:51 It's that crowd, though, Elaine Page. Is Brian May there with her? Oh, well, you couldn't miss him. 22:57 Well, you could next to Anita Dobson. It could have just been double vision. 23:00 Yeah, but I sat behind him at David Padil's, the primary of David Padil's The Infidel, and it was awful. I couldn't see a thing. 23:06 Well, no, exactly. It's like peering into a nudist colony through hedgerow. 23:13 I don't know if you've ever done that. Oh, it's one of my hobbies. Do they still call them colonies? 23:18 I don't think so. 23:19 That's a great thing. Why was it that, the nudist colony, like they'd moved in and taken over an area by force? 23:27 Well, talking of colonies, my gay godfather is Australian. And he was sort of meet and greasing, as you do as the producer in the foyer, before the curtain went up, before she went up, as they call it. 23:37 And Cameron McIntosh, well-known theatre producer, he came over and shook my godfather's hand. He said, hello. He said, can I say, it's so wonderful to have you here. After he'd gone, I said to my godfather, that's a bit patronising, just because you're from Australia. Wonderful to have you in our country. My godfather said, he owns the theatre. LAUGHTER 23:56 Brilliant. Embarrassing, I didn't realise. Excellent. And it was Angela Lansbury. 24:00 She was amazing. Can I just tell you something? She gets her own reports when she comes on. When I did... Does she? Yeah. She does. Well, she thinks so at her rate. Yeah. 24:09 The second half is slightly louder. When I did 15 to 1, there was one of the answers to the questions was Angela. Was it? And the person didn't get it, and Adam Mills said, Angela Lansbury. And the audience went, ooh. Ooh. Like, with proper affection. It was lovely, lovely Angela Lansbury. 24:30 She was great. I mean, she's 88. 24:32 So sprightly. You do get nervous when they come on, the elderly, though. I thought, oh, no, is she going to dry or something? 24:39 Yes. Yeah. 24:40 Like that old actress. Did you say dry? Yes. 24:42 Yeah. 24:44 Is she going to die? It's a Tommy Cooper moment. 24:47 She got through it. She was formidabler. Yeah. She was most excellent, yeah. 24:51 Is there a sense that everybody in the audience is thinking this is a Tommy Cooper show, though? Is there? 24:56 Is there, though? I mean, I saw it last night, and when she came on in the second half, I was thinking, oh, good. You saw it last night? You saw it last night. What? I went last night. 25:04 Oh, come on, I missed out on the Blythe Spirit gang. 25:06 You didn't tell. 25:07 Well, here's the thing, guys. What's the deal? The male lead in it is in a sitcom with myself and so I went in a little group with some other actors that I worked with. £59 a ticket, though, and that was May's rates, apparently. Was that your Australian? No. That's just my angry... Oh, sorry. 25:24 Did you have to buy tickets? 25:26 Oh, that's a bit mean, isn't it? What, they're for sale, theatre tickets? How extraordinary. From what I've heard, one day you'll inherit a little bit of that, 59 quid. That's what I'm hearing. 25:37 She'll have just given it to me direct. 25:38 Oh, God, yeah. 25:40 Yes, Charles, who... Your idea is to eliminate the middleman. Who's that quote? It's Oliver Hardy. From when they're going to buy a boat to go fishing. Ah, yes. 25:50 Mm-hmm. 25:51 So you went as well? 25:52 Yeah, it's very posh though, isn't it? It is very posh. I noticed that it was really posh because she uses the word trance a lot and she says trance and every time I thought trance. 26:04 Every single time. Did you? No, but enough about your raving days. 26:08 I'm sorry, but for me, there'll only ever be Dame Margaret Rutherford in that role. Is that right? Yeah, there you go. 26:16 Could we possibly sound any camper on Absolute Radio this morning? 26:18 Well, let's have a go, shall we? 26:20 Yeah, this week, the disgust. Well, I'm not serving her. 26:24 How was that? 26:25 They do say, when the curtain goes up sometimes, the glasses on the lanyard lot, they go, oh, she's up. 26:31 She's up. I love that. 26:34 Someone else. 26:35 It was a lovely evening. Well, I'm glad you were there as well, Al. Sorry I didn't see you. 26:38 It was pleasant and very good. It was like me and Ben being in the same Barcelona school and never speaking. Yeah. 26:44 Frank, I also used Absolute Radio as my dressing room. 26:47 Oh. 26:47 Because I come here first and I change. 26:50 Oh, okay. 26:50 I couldn't do my zip up, though, so I had to get assistance from one of the male DJs and the security guard. 26:55 How big was the zip? Joking. The zip went that whole link. Two people to zip you into this. 27:00 I went to ask the security guard and then I got a bit embarrassed as well, so Pete Donaldson did it up for me. 27:05 Hang on. So you got embarrassed and brought in another person. 27:08 Hang on, that seems like counterintuitive. It's like closing an enormous suitcase, it sounds like. 27:13 LAUGHTER 27:20 Dealt with a long daydream about playing for Barcelona. I have another email here. Dear Frank, hearing your Wimbledon daydream story reminded me... What was that? You had a Wimbledon one as well, where you played with no badges and no sponsorship. 27:35 Oh, yes. 27:35 I deliberately... I even sanded the logo off my racket. Wooden rackets? Yeah, wooden racket. Wooden rackets? Wouldn't take any sponsorship at all. 27:45 It's good of you, isn't it? 27:45 It's good of you. Shopped at the market to avoid brownies. 27:50 That sounds about right. 27:52 Hearing your Wimbledon daydream story reminded me, when we were young, my elder sister bet me ten shillings, exclamation mark, that she would play at Wimbledon one day, the championships, not just on a court. She's now 55 and lives in Australia, so probably won't hear this, but the last time I mentioned the bet and offered to calculate its current value, she replied that there was still the veterans competition to consider. Does she actually play tennis? No. And that's from Hilary. 28:20 good work on the back it's interesting that because my nephew um moved to australia took his children and one of the kids who'd never picked up a tennis racket in his life when he went to school in australia tennis is very much pushed and um now he's playing at a really high level oh is that right yeah he's like state level and he probably would never have found out if he'd remained in the west midlands what about that 28:47 Yeah? 28:47 I've often thought about what a brilliant skier I might be. Not even the potential. I might actually be at that top level without... It's like skiing now. You just have a crack at it. No, but I could because I've never tried it. 29:00 You can't just have everything. You know, I've... 29:02 I've said before on this show that I think I've got a natural aptitude for the pole vaults. I think it looks easy. I think you have. I reckon I could do that. 29:09 No, no, he hasn't. 29:11 Jumping, isn't it? Just let go at the right point. I couldn't imagine pole vaulting with the cockerel. 29:17 Using me as the pole. 29:20 You'd have to help me a bit down the runway. 29:21 If we had to be good at a sport, what would I be good at? 29:25 I'm afraid I'm going to have to be the shot putter. 29:27 No. Oh, okay. No. Come on, Emily. I think it's deadlifts, innit? 29:32 Yeah, but the pert posterior, you see, that's always going to be a slight issue with certain sports. 29:37 Not for the deadlifts. 29:38 The big posterior. 29:39 It's helpful for the deadlift. 29:40 You said pert posterior there. 29:41 It is pert as well. 29:43 Big Ampert. 29:44 Yeah, that happens. 29:45 What a double that they were. 29:46 They were, they were good. 29:47 Oh, I'm big and ampert! 29:51 Yes, they were great. I love that bit they did when they did, like, the Western spoof. Mm-hm. Brilliant. 29:59 So, yes, well, I, um... 30:03 I like the idea of predicting, because wasn't there a one a lot of money on his son when he said he'd play for England by a certain age? 30:11 Is that right? 30:11 What about, we'll have a bit of a readers thing. I predict that my son, Boz, will be a professional stand-up comedian by the time he's 25. Wow. I mean, successful. That's good. Doing well. And if I'm wrong... Those tiger mothers... If we get some names now and draw one out of a hat, if I'm wrong, then if he doesn't make it, the prize for that person is they can name anyone in their life and I'll assassinate them. 30:42 You're going to have a bit of a job in 25 years. 30:44 Well, that's it. I've got nothing to lose. 30:47 I'm happy to just run into and bite their throats out. 30:51 I don't care about being caught. Forget it. You know, so what? What, are you going to put me in prison? I'm in my late 70s. 30:59 Bring it on, I'll say. 31:01 Bring it on. 31:03 Whoa, bring it on. What do I care? I notice as you get older, you get a sort of American accent as well. How does that happen? I don't care anymore about her in my life. LAUGHTER He's dead. It was a competition waiter. What could I do? 31:25 We've had an email entitled, Did I Hear Right?, which I opened with misgivings. I'm not going to lie. I thought, what have we said? 31:32 Dear, in alphabetical order, ladies first, Miss Emily, Mr. Allen and Mr. Frank, did I hear right a little while ago? Did Mr. Frank say that he took his son and girlfriend swimming in his car? I feel this is a bit odd, as wouldn't it ruin the upholstery? 31:47 Well, that is deliberately misinterpreting what I said for comic purposes. You think so? Yeah. 31:54 I love it when they do that. 31:56 I like what he's done there. That's from Mitch Mitchell. He says, not that one. 32:00 Mitch Mitchell? Who's Mitch Mitchell? He did... Well, I never felt more like singing the blues. I never thought... And at Waterloo, Waterloo... 32:13 You've got quite the one-man band, aren't you? Thank you very much. 32:17 He sounds a bit unwell. 32:18 The first version of it sounded like the ageing Frank that was being tried for a crime. Oh, yeah. 32:24 I should say, there have been a couple of people who want to take you up on that offer. 32:27 Oh, OK. 32:29 But they can't do it until Boz's... No, Steph says I'll take that bet because I know who I want you to assassinate in 25 years. 32:36 All right. 32:37 Well, that's interesting because that's assuming. Whoever it is, they're not going to be that dangerous and sprightly at 25 years. None of us are. 32:46 Good point. Anyway, bringing us down on absolute. 32:50 Map surgery I plan on having. Don't you even believe what you see? 32:55 I would like to read an email, Frank. I'm going to call it email 4. 33:01 From Michael Leslie. Oh, yeah. 33:03 He says, dear Frank... Strangely, the names of the two grade brothers. Correct. Yeah. 33:10 I don't know, do you think he's a theatrical... Two more cigar aficionados. 33:13 Yeah. 33:13 Dear Frank, Emily brackets delightful, and Alan. 33:18 No brackets. 33:19 Catching up over podcasts, it struck me that you've been involved in some surreal situations. 33:26 The two that stick in my mind, are you appearing on a bill where Ron Atkinson... I should say he's directing this to Frank, not me. Appearing on a bill where Ron Atkinson closed the show singing My Way, and you attending Wembley... Also, accompanied only by Nigel Kennedy on the violin. 33:43 Sounds quite mournful. It was a bit mournful. 33:47 Can I continue? Yes, of course. And you attending Wembley with Tony the Tiger, who then left at half-time. 33:52 Yes, he had, as he said to me, I'm sorry I feel terrible, I got heat stroke last week as a Pink Panther. 34:00 Other than comedy itself. He's a feline specialist. and excluding alcohol induced when has your comedy taken you to situations where you've paused and thought is this really happening how did i end up here with them doing this well i don't know about i don't want to go into that um i assume that the incredible miss m will have some stories from fashion but i would be really interested if fame has taken you em or alan anywhere along a surreal tangent you can imagine many times what sticks out in your mind 34:28 I think it was backstage with Elvis Costello at the Hammersmith Apollo. 34:33 Oh, that's good, Frank. 34:34 I don't think we have time, so I'll bookmark it and do it. So you're going to tell us a surreal story about your showbiz career next week? The thing about a surreal story... Remember when the clocks melted in here and all those ants were on the wall? LAUGHTER 34:52 Yeah, but I was going out with Salvador at the time. 34:55 Now, I do remember that thing about you think, how did I get here? 35:01 I did a photo shoot for Loaded and I was in a jacuzzi with two models. Oh, absolutely disgusting. And I turned to one of them and said, you know, I used to work in a factory. 35:11 Did you? 35:12 Nice. She looked at me, not with contempt, she looked at me like you might look at a chest of drawers. LAUGHTER Not with any... Just like... As if... What is this thing? Not even that. Not even... Just looked black. Just looked at me like... Just observed something. 35:31 And we moved on. I had a backstage conversation that lasted ten minutes with television's Roy Walker wearing no shirt about his standard fact. 35:40 Who was wearing no shirt? He had no shirt on. He was going, do you think I should do more gags, Alan? Or stories? I think I must... And I was thinking, how did this happen? 35:47 You used to be on Catchphrase and now you're asking me for stand-up advice with no shirt on. 35:53 Very strange. 35:54 How's he looking? 35:56 It was about five years ago. It was a while. 36:00 He's not bad looking. 36:01 No, I'm thinking about what you know. I'm thinking about the torso. He had a vest on, I think. Oh, he had a vest on. 36:06 What about when I was eight years old and I said, I don't want to go to Doris Lessing's for lunch. I hate Doris Lessing. 36:12 Oh. Yeah. 36:13 She was horrible. No, she wasn't. She was a nice woman, but she talked too much. But horrible. She just talked too much. 36:18 Yeah. Oh, right. I had no time for it, yeah. You should have told them, Doris Lessing. 36:24 Thanks very much, good night. Oh dear, oh dear. You're not topping that. 36:28 It quite makes sense. It's got a lovely rhythm to it. That's what it's all about. 36:32 It's like life. It's like life. Yeah. 36:33 It doesn't make sense. It's got a lovely rhythm to it. 36:35 What about when I went away with the Arsenal team? Oh no. You can't tell. 36:38 No. Again. 36:40 More is less. 36:42 Or was it layers? 36:45 What about a fortnight ago when I stood in a hotel and I'd bought myself a salad and some steamed mackerel in a tin that I tipped into the salad and then realised that the hotel didn't have any teaspoons, that they'd swapped them and they only had little plastic stirrers. Do you know what I mean? 37:02 Yes. 37:02 And I had to use two of those like chopsticks to eat a salad with fish in my hotel room. And I was thinking, how did it come to this, Alan? Yes. How did it come to this stupid moment? That's terrible. 37:13 What about when I was misrepresented in the press and didn't do any post-match interviews for two seasons? I don't know. 37:23 I look back and I think, God, get over it. 37:25 We've taken over radio shows and done a bit of editing and typing. It's a walked-out memory lane, I know, because people find new things quite frightening.